It’s time to come clean …My parents are old.  They can handle the truth.  Not sure they could when my big sister, Lauren, was partially enrolled at Indiana University; She knew how to have a good time!I came down for a visit, and on Friday night, she takes me to the library… offering irrefutable proof that Hoosiers did not study on weekends. She bought me a burger and a beer and took me to a Johnny Cougar concert where he sang a little ditty about …Two American kids growing up in the heartland!  … It was a great weekend and on Sunday morning, I’m getting ready to head back to Ann Arbor; I had classes the next day. Lauren says, “Don’t be such a loser. Stick around another night I’ll throw the mother-of-all-parties….” She says she’ll even invite Jenny… my unrequited high school crush!

  Well, the party lived up to its hype. Jenny showed up, there was wild dancing, some broken furniture. And at 2:00 am, Jenny suggests we, “turn-in for the night.”  … With barely a stumble, I lead her through a minefield of empty bottles and pools of vomit to the guest room….

  As we’re settling in, there’s a ferocious knock at the door.

  ”Who is it?  Busy!”

  It’s my sister. “Get out here, now! We gotta problem!”

  “I don’t have a problem… I’m good.”

  “Come on Fred. I need your help!” I open the door.

  “What?”

  “Rock n Roll wrapped his car around a tree a few blocks from here. You gotta help him.” To this day, I don’t understand why Lauren couldn’t help him….

  I tell Jenny, “Wait here! Try and stay awake!” I grab the keys to Barney, my Toyota Corolla, and drive the three blocks with no shirt, no shoes, no wallet. It’s a balmy 80 degrees outside.

  When I arrive at the scene, I see a crumpled car, a smoking radiator, and these festive red lights swirling all around. Too late for a rescue operation. Rock n’ Roll’s in the back seat of a cruiser, blood flowing from his nose. I follow him to the station to see how I can help. Thank God it’s only ten-minutes away. I have to keep one eye shut to prevent myself from seeing double.

  When the cruiser comes to a stop, I pull up behind him. Policeman gets out, sucks his teeth like he’s got a string of meat caught in them: “(suck) You need to park in the visitor’s lot. This is for police only!” … And I get a little miffed. The lot’s not exactly bustling at 2:30 am. I slam Barney into reverse and… hear the sound of crunching metal. I shift into drive, inch forward. Broken glass tinkles to the ground.

            Policeman walks over: “That’s my new Jeep. Bought it three days ago (suck)…”

            I look in my rear-view mirror, and sure enough, there’s Jeep back there. Fire engine red. I don’t know how I missed it. “It’s a beautiful automobile,” I tell him.

            “Can you kindly hand me your driver’s license and proof of insurance?”

            “Um…I didn’t bring my wallet. I was in a hurry…”

“Step out of the vehicle, please!” Of course, I comply, trying to look non-threatening, and… non-wasted… I reach into the pockets of my gym shorts, turn ‘em inside out, showing bunny ears.  “See, I got nothing with me.” I didn’t know you should keep your hands visible when interacting with police. Apparently, I didn’t need that information.

            Policeman pulls a flashlight from his utility belt and shines it my face… “You been drinking?”

 “…Maybe a little.” He turns the light to his front chrome fender … No damage. Not a scratch. But that bar of steel accordioned the trunk and crushed the rear lights.

            Then, there’s this painful silence as we consider other… (suck)  “You think you’re capable of making it home without inflicting any more damage?”

            “I think I can do that!”

            “Then git back in your vehicle and drive carefully home… ‘fore I change my mind.”

            “Thank you, Officer. You have a good… morning. 

  Did I have angels watching over me because of my positive intent? (never mind the impact!) 

  When I return to the love nest, Jenny’s snoring loudly. When I wake up in the morning, she’s gone. I never did see her again. 

• Rock n’ Roll paid a lot of money to lawyers to keep him out of jail. He’s now a successful eye doctor.
• My Sister… still lives a fun-filled life. I do not respond to all her cries for help.
•  “Mom, Dad … I shouldn’t have lied to you. Barney was not rear-ended by a drunk driver. It was … Lauren’s fault!”
• I used to think I was lucky… I’ve come to understand, I was just a stupid white kid from the suburbs of Chicago who never once thought about recklessness… or privilege.